2007-07-02
I think I reached self actualization
|I remember a blissfully ignorant time when I actually wondered what one would discuss with a therapist. Those times are long gone and now I usually have a written agenda that I bring with me. Occasionally I go stream of consciousness but mostly I like to outline what I want to discuss. That way I don't remember the one thing I really wanted to ask while I'm driving home.
So this brings me to a topic I have discussed with Paula, resolved in my own head and and actually moved past this weekend. A bit of history is necessary.
Back in college, roughly 20 years ago (yikes) there was a guy in my group of friends, we'll call him Troy, who I was interested in. In a daring, drunken move I told him, "I like you." He said, "I like you, too." And then I said, "No, I like you more than just a friend." And he responded, "Sorry, I just like you as a friend."
Okay, I was horrified. I was 19 and this was the first time I actually stepped out on a limb to express interest in someone and clearly I was rejected. It was just as tame as it looks, but I felt like a brazen hussy who threw myself at his feet. I know, I'm repressed and would have fit wonderfully into Victorian times. For the remaining college years I silently pined away for this guy with the knowledge that he had no interest in me. I also felt as though I had egg on my face, like he had something on me knowing I was interested him.
To complicate matters further, after the "rejection" he always sent me mixed messages. He would usually stand next to me and bump his arm into mine to get my attention, then speak directly into my ear. At times to say good bye he would kiss my hand. He routinely acted nervous around me and sent me confusing vibes. My other guy friends never behaved that way. But, since he told me he wasn't interested, I never expressed further interest and just rolled with it in a platonic, friends-only kind of way.
For a good nine years or so after graduation this group of college friends met up at Homecoming each year to reminisce. Troy met a woman at work soon after graduation and they dated for about five years before they got married. I was single for four of those years. When I met his future first wife, he introduced us and said in an exaggerated way to Karen, "This is Cardiogirl." She and Troy had a visual exchange in which she raised her eyebrows and then looked at me and said something like, "Hi, it's nice to finally meet you." Hmm. That felt weird, but I figured I was just being paranoid.
At the next Homecoming (in 1992, I think) Troy mentioned that I really messed up not finding a boyfriend/future husband in college, when I had the opportunity. Now that I was out in the "real world" it was going to be that much more difficult for me. "Gee, thanks," I said. But that comment really hurt my feelings; it has stuck with me all of these years later.
As things turned out I met my husband in 1993 and we were married in 1994. Troy and Karen were married almost exactly a year later. At their wedding I was routinely introduced to Troy's parents, Karen's family and Karen's friends in that same exaggerated way, "This (pregnant pause) is Cardiogirl."
I felt like they all thought I was some kind of crazed, axe-murderer and they were mentally putting the pieces together. 'Oh, right! The Cardiogirl who diced her family into small pieces then got away with murder. Yes, I remember Troy telling me about that Cardiogirl.'
At their wedding I ran into two of Karen's friends in the bathroom. They were talking about how Karen really worked at getting Troy to the alter (remember they dated for five years before they married.) Karen then happened to walk into the bathroom. I said hi and she introduced me to her friends in that same overstated way, although she added a twist. After she introduced us she nodded her head up and down to her friends and gave a cat-who-ate-the-canary grin. As if to say, yes, yes that's right. It's her.
In addition, Karen always treated me differently than she treated the other women in our group of friends. She was cold to me and acted like I was some kind of threat to her. As things turned out, she and Troy divorced after five years of marriage.
Roughly six years later, Troy re-married. When I first met Kendall (his second wife) a couple years ago I was introduced in that same fashion, "This (pregnant pause) is Cardiogirl."
I'm getting tired of this, I thought at the time. That's when I started to really put it all together. Yes, I can be dense at times.
Clearly, Troy blew this up in his head and must have shared whatever his version of events are to the world at large. I can only guess that, in his version, I constantly told him how much I adored him and he constantly pushed me away. Perhaps, in his stories, I stalked him and threw pebbles at his window begging him to date me. I don't know what he told these people. But clearly, they all think that Cardiogirl is the chick who wanted Troy and lost out.
This past weekend we met up with Troy and Kendall at a mutual friend's house. My husband and three daughters were with me. And when I saw Troy I had a mixture of emotions. I was angry that I had tried to be a friend to him and he was spreading rumors about me behind my back. I was glad that I backed off immediately all those years ago and never actually did make a fool of myself. And I was so thankful that I met my husband.
And all of a sudden, while I was standing on the deck blowing bubbles for my kids, I realized that the best revenge really is living well.
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Sending out a thank you: I'm sending an extra 1000 strides on the elliptical trainer to blazingstar who added me as a favorite recently. Thanks Blazingstar!
2007-07-02 at 7:26 a.m.
