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Cold Case File 9-0352


Sunday afternoon was a wonderfully lazy day for me. I actually fell asleep on the couch and power-napped for a good two hours or so. It was that satisfying type of sleep that had no dreams that I remembered, just complete shut down interrupted by absolutely nothing. When I awoke, everything seemed copacetic.

During my slumber the older girls had played outside while my husband watched them. The baby snoozed uneventfully and I missed two phone calls. It all seemed very uneventful until Monday morning as I was rushing about to get the girls to school on time.

Have you ever heard the phrase "when the cat's away the mice will play?" I would be the cat (a domestic short hair, but orange because if I'm going to be a cat I want to be a cool cat, the kind you don't see very often and I never see orange cats around town. So it's settled. I'm a lithe, rust-colored cat in this analogy.) Katie and Allison would be the mice.

Alright, cut to Monday morning. The kids were dragging tail and time was running out. To be on schedule we need to walk out of the door at 7:42 am. So bread and ziplock bags were flying about the kitchen as I was frantically making two lunches because making lunch the night before is so passe.

I ran a hair brush through two sleepy heads as they growled and hissed like feral kittens (I thought I was the cat here) and I grabbed their backpacks as we headed out the door at 7:44 am. Yes, I felt the pressure of being two minutes behind schedule but I knew I could still make up time on the drive to school.

The minute I stepped out onto the front porch I was accosted with a G-rated crime scene in my front yard. One bike was parked directly behind the van on the sidewalk. The other bike was on its side in front of the steps that lead up to our house, the wind gently rustling the purple and pink streamers that hang from the handle bars.

A pink umbrella with half of the fabric ripped off the metal spokes was lying askew on the grass. The front lawn sported a six-foot circle of trampled grass with bits of dirt and leaves pushed to the outer edges of the makeshift circle. The blades of grass were matted down to the dirt below and pointing in a southeasterly direction.

As I herded the girls toward the van I asked, "What happened out here?" They both answered, "I don't know" as we lumbered toward the van. After I dropped them off to their classrooms I had some time to think about the scene in front of the house. I was surprised to realize I hadn't left the house (or looked out the front window for that matter) since 4 pm the day before.

When I arrived home I surveyed the scene. I actually crouched down on the lawn and felt some blades of grass between my thumb and forefinger, like the forensic investigators do. Channeling all of the "Cold Case Files" I have seen on television, I stood up and put my hands on my hips to better view the carnage before me.

A quick profiling exercise revealed that the perpetrators must have been small children, female due to the pink and purple bikes in front of the crime scene. Also, boys tend not to use pink umbrellas decorated with the Disney Princesses. Yes, I was certain this was the work of two young girls (two perpetrators because there were two bikes).

I have to say I was stymied by the large circle of matted grass. Once I interviewed the lone witness, however, things became clear. Apparently Mr. Cardiogirl interrupted the crime while it was in progress.

Here's what happened, as reported by Mr. Cardiogirl. (To get the full effect, you must imagine Bill Kurtis narrating.)

On Sunday afternoon at roughly 2:30 pm, two small females, aged 7 and 4, had been riding bikes up and down the street in front of the residence. It was hot that day with temperatures soaring into the high 80s. The older of the two females stopped her bike, parking it behind the van in the driveway and retrieved the hose from the side of the house.

Said female threaded the hose through the metal posts that support the roof over the porch. The younger female, in her excitement to experience cold water on a hot day, jumped off her bike and let the bike fall to the ground. The hose was turned on and created a shower effect as it was strung up roughly 12 feet above the lawn. The water velocity, from a height of roughly 12 feet, created approximately a cubic ton of pressure and matted the lawn down into a circular pattern.

The younger of the females procured a pink umbrella and stood beneath the flow of water under the umbrella. This caused the water to create an arc, in a circle shape, accounting for the six foot circle on the front lawn.

In an effort to restore the lawn Mr. Cardiogirl used the hose to smooth the grass which resulted in most of the blades facing a southeasterly direction.

Thus concludes Cold Case File 9-0352. Apparently the mice were otherwise engaged while the orange cat napped on the couch.

But one question remains: Was the nap actually worth it?


Sending out a thank you: I'm sending an extra 1000 strides on the elliptical trainer to shear-madnez who added me as a favorite recently. Thanks shear-madnez!


2007-09-11 at 6:06 a.m.

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