Cardiogirl 19 percent body fat 100 percent fun


listen closely, this is me tooting my own horn


I commented over at Guilty Secret's place about her progress in therapy and she left me the following comment in return. "Cardiogirl -- thank you. Now, you mustn't be so hard on yourself! Maybe you should force yourself to write a post detailing improvements you have made...?"

So that is what I shall do today, but I must first say I just love Guilty Secret's "British-ness." (I know it's not a word, but this is my place and I'm declaring it a word. That's just one of the great things about having your own corner of the internet.) I can hear her cool accent (to this vanilla Midwestern girl) when she says "Now, you mustn't be so hard on yourself."

Tiny side note: when I read out loud to my kids I use a British accent because they like it and it keeps things interesting for me. I also bark like Dino the Dinosaur from "The Flintstones" when I get frustrated at them. This youtube clip, which is 1 minute and 31 seconds long, shows Dino barking toward the end, just to give you an audio of what I'm talking about, lest you be too young (! -- I'm talking to Janedoe0 and Katy here) to know what I mean. Dino barks after Fred lands on the moon in the clip, around the one minute mark.

Barking at my kids is better than screaming, right? Just to clarify, when I bark it kind of sounds like a high-pitched "Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra." The kids don't understand what I'm doing and kind of roll their eyes and laugh, but it helps me relieve my frustration when I find blueberry yogurt smeared on the computer monitor and a broken egg with raw yolk all over the floor in the dining room.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, let's talk about me and the progress I've made. But before we start, I must admit this is very difficult for me. I just realized I have been procrastinating by cleaning the floor, tidying the kitchen and making more coffee instead of getting to the guts of this post. I don't know if anyone has noticed, (awkward pause) but I have a hard time (stumbles on the following words) tooting my own horn. Yes, I use sarcasm liberally as a coping mechanism. I'm sure you haven't noticed that, either.

Okay, cut to the chase Cardiogirl.

I am proud of the progress I have made regarding my religion/spirituality. I always find myself searching for the right phrase when it comes to that. Perhaps I should stick with "my relationship with God" (henceforth referred to as MR. WiG) instead of the more clumsy "religion/spirituality." Anyway, I don't like to jam any idea down anyone else's throat much less MR. WiG. So I find I am not very vocal about MR. WiG, but emotionally I have really strengthened my bond with Him in the last decade. I truly believe in living by example and I believe the peace He offers me emanates from inside of me.

I think becoming a parent makes one more aware of MR. WiG but I'm not going to attribute my own progress to that. For me, the turning point was when I was diagnosed with cancer. I had to come up with some kind of explanation, for myself, to make sense of all of that.

Just recently I revamped my mental image of MR. WiG into something that works better for me. I used to see Him as a vengeful father-figure (like my own father which was a massive, life-changing revelation to me and just a passive, yeah-I-could-have-told-you-that-a-long-time-ago observation to Paula) who I feared and whose approval I actively sought out.

Now I see God in white low tops (naturally), shorts and a long white muslin shirt that is sort of like a quasi-robe ending just above the hem line of his Bermuda-length shorts. I see Him actually walking with me on a path, rather than Him above me, invisible to the naked eye. I see Him as an approachable friend who is a sounding board for me. He's sort of like that friend who just listens, says nothing and then makes you feel like He actually said something, when it was you all along who answered your own question. Then He sits back as a slow smile spreads across His face.

I don't fear Him the way I used to; however, I respect and love Him with awe and reverence. I do think He enjoys my sense of humor and wit. And I think He adores his low tops, just the way I do.

Next up, I am proud of the mother I have become. My childhood was not like the environment I am carefully and painstakingly carving out for my own children. I find I am actually re-creating my childhood day-by-day with my daughters.

For example, when we bake a cake and frost it, we each have a piece as soon as it is done. As an adult, I like to sample the cake as soon as it's ready rather than wait til after dinner because I can. So that's what I do with my kids. (My first-born husband will tell you I am such a classic last-born who craves instant gratification. To that I say, and the problem is...?) My point is that I try to have fun with my kids instead of always saying, "Don't do this, don't do that..."

Don't get me wrong, I am the main disciplinarian in this family as well. It is a known fact among our girls that Daddy will let them "do more" than Mommy will, if you get my drift. (Hubby, if you're reading this, you know I love you and appreciate everything you do [insert cheesy smile with raised eyebrows here]).

The last accomplishment I will note today is this here website. I do not know or really understand HTML code. I started this journal last year in October with a standard purple template which evolved into the awesome (if I do say so myself) Cardiogirl-designed water-color template you see before you. I am proud of my writing and every post that appears on this site. I actually enjoy reading my own writing. I don't know if that's false pride or bare honesty, but it is how I feel. And this site is a big accomplishment for me.

(Blushes furiously and actually sweats a bit.)

Okay, tomorrow we shall return to the self-deprecating posts you have come to know and love.


2007-08-31 at 7:53 a.m.

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