2007-08-29
peace, at last
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It appears Ambien CR is no match for my highly evolved central nervous system. The competitive chick in me sort of feels proud of that fact (just looking for the silver lining, you know.) I suppose it doesn't matter anyway as the insurance company is being a sixth-grade punk about covering the cost of the drug.
Yesterday morning, as you may recall, I was looking for a reason to tell my father what I thought of my sister Caroline's cheating husband. By 8:30 am my husband and I had decided we were going to send an e-mail Tuesday night (after hubby got home from work) with the story and the actual letter that Rob gave me. I was so uptight my hands were actually visibly shaking -- that's a first.
Side note: lately I feel like there are two Cardiogirls in my head. Cardiogirl #1 is totally laid back and cool like Fonzie. She leans against the jukebox, arms folded wearing shorts, a T-shirt and red low tops. She questions Cardiogirl #2, who is like a dazed, stumbling junkie.
For some reason, Cardio #2 is cocaine skinny and wears jeans, a wifebeater and navy low tops. Cardio #2's hair is in her face, stringy and greasy. So Cardio #1 is frequently trying to talk Cardio #2 down. "C'mon buck up, chick. We can do this. Let's get the hair out of your eyes, clean you up a little and you'll be as good as new," she says. But Cardio #2 is jittery and focused on scoring the next fix.
It's probably a good thing I write anonymously otherwise the white truck would be parked out front, pronto. I don't really believe I have multiple personalities; it's just a literary device to explain where I am coming from. I don't even have groovy names for the proposed personalities. Gigi, Barbara, Punky, Spatz -- what sounds good?
So around 10 am yesterday my father called and asked how I was doing, really. I told him I'm fine but I have been experiencing insomnia for a good three weeks or so. And as we all know lack of sleep, while it may sound tame, can be a big problem.
As we were talking my dad brought up Caroline. He told me Caroline said I was uptight because Rob asked me (and my three daughters) to go to McDonald's a couple of days ago to talk about the family. Caroline then told my dad I completely misinterpreted that situation and thought Rob was making an unwanted romantic advance. Then Caroline told my father that my husband got uptight about my misinterpretation and drove to their house to confront Rob. Caroline told my dad that my husband almost punched Caroline's husband in the face.
(!)
Clearly, Caroline lied to my dad about the situation, but I wasn't surprised by that. I expected her to lie, because she has to lie to herself to remain married to him. I don't begrudge her that. It's the choice she made. To each his own.
What surprised me, floored me, was that she told my dad about it. I have never said anything about it. In fact, last year I told her I would not bring it up to the family. I felt it was her issue as well as her husband's issue and if she wanted to air it, that was up to her to share it with everyone. So when my dad mentioned it I felt like Scooby-Doo when he doesn't understand something and cocks his head as he says, "Rut roh."
In the scheme of things, this actually worked out for the best; I was able to release a huge weight off my shoulders. The most surreal part was when I said and actually felt this way completely and wholly throughout my being: "Dad, I am not looking for you to take sides. I am not looking for your approval or your advice. I am not angry at you; I am simply telling you how I see things."
The best part was that somehow, through the grace of God, I was able to keep a level head and not cry or waver once throughout an hour-long conversation. I do feel God gave me strength and courage during that call.
And my dad actually commented on that. He said something to this effect, "You sound very logical about all of this, like you have considered every angle and come to your conclusion."
I know that's about him and how he sees the world, but I was so glad I was able to present things to him in a way that he understands and in a way that allowed me to be heard and respected by him, whether he actually agrees with me or not.
I also feel completely at peace with this issue. I don't feel the need to send notes, call family members to defend myself or to discuss it any further. I really feel so far removed from it, that I do not have to dignify any of it with a response. I have never experienced this feeling before in my life.
That alone is huge progress for me.
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Sending out a thank you: I'm sending an extra 1000 strides on the elliptical trainer to princesscee who added me as a favorite recently. Thanks princesscee!
2007-08-29 at 6:45 a.m.
