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my current funk


I'm in a bit of a funk. Not full on, funk-lite if you will. I can't really pin point anything, it's just a light malaise. I think that's why I haven't been writing much lately. When I first started this thing I felt like I had so much to say about the mundane things in life. I find it interesting that I haven't had those kinds of entries for a long while.

Okay, so let's see what's been happening. Not a whole lot. The kids had all of last week off thanks to Easter break. So that always makes it difficult to write. Plus it was a scary preview of what summer is going to be like. However, I have to say the sunlight and warmth of summer definitely improve my mood. I really think I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, also cleverly known as SAD. When the sun is down I feel down as well.

Also, my husband has taken over my early morning workouts at the Y, so I have been going at night and sleeping in until 7 am rather than getting up at 5 am. That's been sort of nice, but we still don't really communicate with each other at night. Now he's the one who falls asleep at 8:30 and I'm the one who's up til 9:30 or 10 pm. Also, I used to write early in the morning before my workouts. Now when I get up the kids are already up. I guess the easy answer to that is writing at night after they go to bed.

My dad spent the night at the hospital yesterday due to some chest pain that has nothing to do with his heart. The doctors are not sure what the problem is and he was sent home today. He has a follow-up EKG on Tuesday. He is 80, so it's not out the question that stuff should be breaking down. However, my hope is that my dad will outlive my mom who has Alzheimer's, since he is her primary caregiver.

My sister Kate, who stayed with my mom last night at my mom's house, said it was extremely draining explaining to Mom where Dad was. My mom truly forgets the answer and will ask every two to three minutes where my dad is. So every time Kate told her Dad was in the hospital, Mom went through the shock and surprise of hearing it for the first time.

Recently I had one of my kid's school friends and her mother over for a play date. Somehow we got talking about how both her mother and father have died. Her mother has been gone about 12 years and her father has been gone for about five years. Anyway, she said the parent you think will go first is the usually the one to go last.

That struck extreme fear in my heart. I really do feel like my mom will die first, mostly I guess because it would be convenient. It looks so bad to see that in print. I'm trying to really be honest with myself regarding all of this "leading up to death" stuff. Maybe that's the cause of my general malaise.

Lately every time I see my mom (usually once a week) she will say something to me like, "I love you now and forever, no matter what happens." Then she looks deep in my eyes with her lips set in a straight line before she gives me a big hug. That hug just feels like it will be the last hug before she dies. It seems like we both know, without speaking about it, what she is doing. She is telling me she feels death is near and she wants me to know she loves me. It's so agonizing, really. But it would be worse for me not to see her.

Both of my parents are elderly so it's not out of the question that death could be near for either one. Sometimes I think I can be graceful about their deaths, that God will give me the strength to move through it. And other times I think I will be a crazy mess. Paula says the actual grief process for my mom (when she actually dies) will probably be a bit easier for me, as I am and have been grieving her loss for a couple of years now (watching her decline).

One of the good things about having young children right now is that they don't allow me to wallow in grief as I would like to. Somehow they have something to say almost every waking moment of every day. So I don't get a lot of time to worry and fret.

Maybe that's part of God's plan, too.


2007-04-15 at 2:12 p.m.

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