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our friend the mammogram


I actually feel like an adult. I had my first mammogram last night at 7:30.

My doctor wants to get a baseline scan before I start getting them regularly. I don't know how often a gal is supposed to get her mammary glands smashed flat like a piece of onion skin typing paper. But after it was over the technician said, "Now you won't have to come back again until you're 40."

I know she thought that was going to be in about two years, as I answered correctly on the paper that today I am 38. In four weeks I'll be 39. When questioned about my age in January, I always feel compelled to tell a medical professional I'll be (fill in the blank) on February 1. Then they furrow their brow in irritation and write down the correct age on the piece of paper, as if to say, "I don't give a rat's ass WHEN your birthday is. How old are you TODAY!?"

So, last night I went against my instincts and just wrote down 38 and cringed internally at the thought of doing this again in a little over a year. I've heard so much smack talk about mammograms that I was almost disappointed in the pain I felt. Now don't get me wrong. It wasn't fairy dust and sugar plums. But I was expecting...I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe to feel like the front tire of an 18-wheeler had pinned my girl to the gravel underneath it. In contrast, this felt more like a riding lawn mower held my gal down on a smooth asphalt road.

I wonder if it hurts more on a chick who has an ample bosom. On a sliding scale between Anna Nicole Smith and Ally McBeal I skew much closer to the neurotic lawyer. I'm cool with that.

So to sum up my Public Service Announcement on our friend the mammogram: if you're worried about getting a mammogram, expect the worst and hope for the best. It may save your life. (I had to add that cheesy tagline at the end.)

Now you're supposed to imagine the rainbow colored shooting star graphic seen on NBC that says "The More You Know." And for my grand finish, my slightly down-turned head lifts gradually as I look straight at the camera with a pensive look.

And scene.


2007-01-04 at 6:53 a.m.

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