Cardiogirl 19 percent body fat 100 percent fun


i want to be skinny when I grow up


Do most people dream big? I'm talking about goals and aspirations, not the crazy stories that occupy your head during sleeping hours. I've never been a big dreamer myself.

My childhood environment did not support big dreams. At around nine years old my main goal was to get out of the house and potentially disappear into the world, never to be heard from again. I remember spending a lot of time at the library and the park with my notebook and a pen.

The only entry I remember from that particular journal -- a yellow-covered spiral-bound notebook which was wide ruled -- was a drawing of how I would set up my apartment when I got out of the house. I also stated that I was going to have a black and white cat and call him Thomas. I'm pretty sure the rest of the book contained many passages on how much I despised my father and how I never wanted to be in contact with any of my family members again. You know, basic adolescent angst.

I don't know what happened to that notebook. I assume it was found by my parents who read it and laughed maniacally, then threw it away. They never said anything about it and I spent many frantic moments rifling through their basement in search of it.

I vaguely remember locating a different journal in my parent's basement, when I was in my twenties. That one was from college and the only entry I remember was about a guy I dated briefly my sophomore year. I do recall reading a passage that said "thank God I never had sex with Dan." I don't know if my parents read that one either, but as a parent now I would shudder if I read that from one of my own daughters' journals. Some things are best left unsaid (and unknown).

I think I threw that journal away myself.

Toward the end of college, and after numerous journalism classes, I thought I would be an editor at Time Magazine. I believe that would qualify as my biggest dream. But it was fleeting. After graduating and working at my hometown paper (which sucked big time) I decided I didn't want to be a journalist after all. That was a great time to figure that out, after I had graduated.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an artist, a taxi cab driver or a short-order cook. I think it's cool to hear "I need Adam and Eve on a raft, 86 the oars." I still don't know what that means, but it sounds fun.

My main goal today is to lose 20 pounds -- the parting gift from my third pregnancy. I lost all of the weight from the first two pregnancies. In fact, after the second kid I was in really good, physical shape as I had added weights to my exercise routine.

But this time I am finding it so much more difficult to lose the weight. I am getting very frustrated as I have never had such a difficult time losing weight. I wonder if it's hitting my 40s that's causing this problem. I did find some research on the lovely internet that supports my theory.

Side note: my doctor absolutely cannot stand it when I tell him I did some research on the internet. "The internet has some helpful information and the internet has some crap," he says.

At least he doesn't sugar coat it.


2006-12-16 at 2:52 p.m.

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