2007-09-13
i procrastinate, therefore i am
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As usual, I am behind the eight ball. I have realized, however, that I procrastinate in a passive effort to push back against the things I don't want to do and acknowledgement is the first step, right?
Today is Movie Day with my brother. I do enjoy Movie Day and I do enjoy visiting with my brother. But it is also extremely stressful.
You may know my brother has debilitating MS and he is bedridden, legally blind, basically paralyzed and has no control over his bladder and bowels. Seeing my 47-year-old brother like this is not fun, to put it mildly. But some of his personality is still there and my memories of him definitely override what I see when I am in his presence. I actually have fun, in the moment, visiting with him. It's almost like I suspend my disbelief while I am with him and then it comes crashing down after I leave.
So I find when I am about to go over for Movie Day, I have not prepared ahead of time. This morning I still need to go to Blockbuster to get a movie, I need to buy the snacks at the grocery store, stop at 7-11 on the way there to get a slurpee and go to Denny's to pick up breakfast. Clearly, I cannot get the slurpee or breakfast the night before. But I should have gone to the grocery store and Blockbuster last night. But I didn't want to.
After I put the baby to bed I thought about the snacks and the movie. And mentally I said, 'Skip that. I'll do it tomorrow.' So this makes me wonder about procrastination and what it is all about.
Clearly I don't want to deal with my brother's illness.
I do talk to him daily, but talking on the phone is much easier than seeing him in person. On the phone I can mentally "look the other way" when he asks his wife to move his legs for him and he groans in response to her sliding his legs over. When I am in the room with him I am the one who has to move his legs and I am the one who has to feed him his breakfast.
My father frequently admonishes me by telling me to see the blessing in this particular curse.
I am aware that being able to walk independently is an ability I should be (and am) grateful for. I am aware of and thankful that I do not work full-time so I can visit my brother monthly for a full and leisurely afternoon (roughly five hours). I am thankful that my husband is understanding and supportive. I am grateful that my husband, my children and I all have our health.
But I hate what this disease has done to my brother and my family.
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2007-09-13 at 8:22 a.m.
